Jim's Wounds
by slytheringreen91
Summary: Jim beams back from the Narada with some 'not so superficial' wounds. What happens when Bones and Spock find out? Rating for language only.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone! I don't own anything in this story except the pieces you don't recognize from the Star Trek 2009 movie or Star Trek: TOS and I am, in no way making any money off of this story, I just like to play around with the characters and universe!

Title: Jim's Wounds

_Pain._ James T. Kirk was no stranger to pain whether it was raw from having skin scraped off on some unnamed bar, sharp from being stabbed with a knife (which, by the way, had most certainly _not_ been an agreed upon weapon), itchy from that damn bout of chicken pox Jim had gotten in their second year (which was still a mystery thorn in Bones' side; "Who the hell gets chicken pox anymore?!"), numbing from those damn hypo sprays that Bones was so fond of, or emotional (though certainly the young adult captain wouldn't admit to that particular brand of pain anymore than the brash young teenager would have).

But this, this pain took the grand prize. It was like a fucking _omelet _of pain and included, but was not limited to, all of the pains that Jim had experienced thus far . . . except no itch . . . at least Jim didn't _think _there was an itch but who the hell could tell anyway? Added to the three strangulation attempts in one day (less than six hours actually) were various cuts and bruises, a couple of broken ribs (and some possible internal injuries) helpfully dished out by Nero and his crony, emotional backlash from the death of an entire _god damned planet_, and what Jim really hoped was just a superficial cut running from his shoulder to his hip where one of the unnamed Romulans had sliced him with a hidden knife (luckily, or perhaps unluckily, no one from Jim's crew had been witness to this event).

As the acting captain was beamed into the transporter room of his ship he stumbled slightly; luckily no one seemed to notice as everyone was preoccupied with Captain Pike who, while not grievously injured, certainly wouldn't be on duty any time soon and Scotty who was as pleased as a Scottish man could be in the face of his abilities with the transporter (which, admittedly, were beyond anything Jim had ever seen).

As Bones and the rest of the medical staff exited the transporter room without more than a glance towards their acting captain Jim felt his strength weakening but that just wouldn't do would it? Spock was still here and Scotty and _damn it _Jim was a _captain_ now (no matter how temporary that position would prove to be once they returned to San Francisco and everyone at headquarters found out just _how_ that had come about) and he couldn't just collapse in front of his crew.

Luckily Spock approached the captain with his usual Vulcan grace and said quite _logically_ "Captain if you require rest I find myself completely fit for duty and unharmed from our encounter aboard the Narada and will, with your permission, take your shift on the bridge".

Jim looked inconspicuously at his first officer, the Vulcan didn't _seem_ to have noticed that his captain had more than just superficial wounds but would the Vulcan mention it if he had? It would be logical right? Jim wondered just how that worked when concern for someone (say your _captain_) collided with logic (say when said captain happened to be responsible for your and hundreds of other lives). It would be logical for Spock to be concerned right? If not for Jim's sake then for the crew's sake but concern was still an emotion and, therefore not permitted.

"Captain?" Spock prodded.

Jim decided not to ask about the emotion thing; what if Spock went off and tried to strangle him again? Serek wasn't here to stop his son this time and Jim would probably end up dead before Scotty or anyone else could think to stop the 'at least three times more powerful' Vulcan.

"Yes Mr. Spock you have the bridge" Jim replied brusquely and, without further ado, exited the transporter room pretending not to hear a certain Scottish engineer call "Captain how about some whiskey in celebration?" as he stepped through the door.

Only to realize that he had nowhere to go. Since Jim wasn't _technically _cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise he subsequently hadn't been assigned quarters. This hadn't really been much of a problem since the only time he had spent sleeping since coming on board had been in sick bay immediately after his and Bones' arrival.

Had it really been that long since he had slept? _Yes_ his aching body protested. Ok, so where to go to get rest? Jim supposed he could go down and get some quarters assigned to him but he knew that, due to the unexpected arrival of the Vulcan elders and the unfortunate fact that, while in working order, much of the living spaces on the Enterprise had been left uncompleted he would undoubtedly be assigned to quarters with at least two, maybe three, others and well _damn_ but that just wouldn't do right now.

Captain Pike's quarters would be free but Jim didn't think that anyone would be pleased to find out that he had commandeered the captain's quarters (they'd probably think he thought he _deserved_ them or something). Anyway, it didn't matter, Jim didn't think he could sleep in his unofficial mentor's room for want of worrying for the older man; Pike had, after all, looked pretty bad upon their arrival on board the Enterprise.

Spock's quarters would be empty wouldn't they? Jim wasn't seriously considering stealing Spock's quarters but the thought brought up and interesting question; _would_ Spock's quarter's be empty? Uhura was off duty and, while she had been assigned quarters of her own, Jim had the sneaking suspicion that the communication's officer wasn't spending _all _of her off-duty time there.

_Bones_. Perfect. As newly appointed CMO (albeit by death of another officer) Bones would not only have an assigned set of quarters but would also have an office which was, no doubt, equipped with a halfway decent couch where Bones could rest and still keep a close (_obsessive!_) watch over his patients. And, anyway, it would be better for Jim to be caught in Bones' quarters than in anyone else's; they had, after all, dormed together for four years at Starfleet academy.

Jim spun on his heel and (after admitting to himself that _spinning _on_ anything_ at this point was a decidedly _bad_ idea) headed towards the nearest turbo lift. Upon arriving on the floor that Jim knew Bones' quarters would be on Jim was stumped. He knew which floor the good doctor's quarters were on because this was the floor that _all _of the finished quarters were on. As Jim half frantically, half tiredly roamed the deck peering closely at all of the doors trying to _sense_ which door led to his best friends' rooms he came upon a lovely woman in blue.

_Blue_. That was the color Bones wore wasn't it? It was kind of difficult for Jim to remember in his current state and, anyway all cadets wore red and black and it wasn't exactly like anyone had had _time_ to get used to their own uniforms much less those of their best friends.

Jim decided to approach the woman who, oddly, looked vaguely familiar. "Kirrrrr….Captain!" the woman exclaimed upon almost walking into Jim who decided he was too tired to reprimand the woman for the slip. Instead of answering Kirk quickly scanned his memories from the past few days; where had he seen this woman before?

"How are your hands? Did you quite recover from . . . whatever it was that was bothering you?" the kindly woman asked. _Of course!_ She was one of Bones' nurses. Now if only Kirk could remember her name . . . something about religion . . . and going to churches or . . . "I'm quite recovered now thank you for your concern Nurse Chapel."

_Oh yeah_ Kirk commended himself because, honestly, he'd only met the woman once and, quite aside form just having woken up from a blasted hypo spray induced _coma_, he had been rather preoccupied with worrying about the consequences of the, oh so familiar, 'lightning storm in space'. The nurse expressed no outward sign of surprise that Jim recalled her name although was it his imagination or did the woman's eyes grow slightly softer?

"Nurse, I was wondering if you could direct me to Dr. McCoy's (_was saying that weird or what?!)_ personal quarters?" Jim asked the epitome of politeness.

"Well, sure" the rather confused nurse replied knowing that, aside from being temporary captain, this man happened to be Dr. McCoy's best friend "he's in room 247 but he won't be in there, he's still seeing to Captain Pike". Kirk nodded in response "Yeah but I wanted to give him something, it's his birthday you know and . . . well . . . I just thought it'd be nice for him to find a present waiting for him in his quarters after the past few days".

Chapel completely melted "Oh, of course, I wasn't aware that . . . oh but why would I be? It's not like any of us has really gotten to know each other yet have we? Yes, well he's in room 247 Captain is there anything else that I can do for you?" Kirk shook his head "Nope that'll do it, thank you for helping me out". Kirk decided that, just for good measure (you know, in case Chapel wasn't _completely _smitten with him already) he'd wink as he passed the nurse and proceeded down the hall.

Kirk found it quite humorous that, given the circumstances, this was the first time in four years that he had actually _remembered_ Bones' birthday. Too bad he didn't actually have a present for the man but, he supposed, McCoy probably wouldn't expect one given the hurried way everyone had been rushed into duty.

A few steps down the hall brought Kirk to room 247 which was blissfully empty of life. Upon entering the room Jim found a full bottle of some blue substance that seemed to be alcoholic in nature (wasn't it odd that Jim couldn't identify what the liquid was? He was rather an expert on this sort of thing). Shrugging it off to the fuzziness in his brain Jim downed the rough equivalent of a shot straight from the bottle and grimaced. What the _hell_ was Bones doing drinking _this_. Quite aside from the awful taste Jim felt like he had just swallowed a god damned _bottle _of pure alcohol.

Resisting the urge to spit the substance from his mouth Jim downed another shot (what the hell? The awful taste took some of the splitting pain away from his head . . . or maybe that was the alcohol . . . either way . . .).

Within the hour Jim was passed out on his best friends' bed, an empty bottle had fallen from his hands and onto the floor with a soft _thump_. And dark red blood seeped onto the sheets through the young man's clothes.

Leonard McCoy sighed an exhausted, contented sigh. The surgery on Pike's spine (necessary not only to remove the alien insect but also to determine and, if possible, fix the source of Pike's paralysis) had been successful. Pike would be confined to a wheelchair for a couple of months but after that he would be ship shape.

McCoy reached over and pressed a button on his office view screen. Lt. Uhura's face came into view for only a second before she rose and, apparently, went to get Spock who appeared seconds later. "Yes Doctor, what is the condition of Captain Pike?" the Vulcan queried with no hint of emotion.

McCoy momentary considered not telling Spock immediately, see if he could make the ever logical Vulcan sweat but, in the end, decided that he himself was too tired to play such games (and who wouldn't be after a 9 hour surgery?).

"Pike's gonna be fine Spock, he'll be in a wheelchair for awhile but after that he should be back to full health" McCoy's southern drawl must have carried farther than he thought as relieved clapping filled the bridge. Commander Spock's left eyebrow rose but he didn't comment on the blatantly _human _reaction. "That is good news Doctor, thank you for keeping me informed".

Spock seemed to hesitate (although McCoy _knew _that Vulcans didn't hesitate and there must be some other explanation for the gentle look . . . was that concern? in Spock's eyes). McCoy waited patiently, not ending the conversation but also not prodding the half Vulcan.

"Doctor have you heard from . . . Captain Kirk?" Spock asked, apparently unsure of how he should be addressing the acting captain now that Pike was back on board.

McCoy raised an eyebrow of his own. "Not since he beamed back on board Spock, why?" Spock hesitated (or didn't hesitate . . . or did whatever Vulcan's do when they _aren't _hesitating). "Doctor, I offered to take first watch on the bridge for him so that he might receive the inordinate amount of rest that humans require. I have not seen him since and it has been exactly nine hours 17 minutes and 12 seconds since I have seen him and, apparently, since you have."

McCoy was sure that Spock had a point; Vulcan's always had a point didn't they? "Aw Spock" he replied "Jim probably just went back to his quarters, had a little too much brandy and passed out on his bed" but before McCoy had even finished the Vulcan was shaking his head.

"_Doctor_, Kirk doesn't _have_ quarters on board the Enterprise, when I gave the offer to take first watch I had, logically, assumed the captain would retire to sick bay for rest but, as you have not seen him and even _your_ severely lacking observational skills could not miss James T. Kirk in your sick bay . . . I find myself rather at a loss as where to find him."

McCoy blinked. Well _damn_. Jim didn't have any quarters did he? McCoy supposed he could have gone down and gotten some quarters assigned to him (that's what McCoy would have done in the same situation) but he highly doubted it; Jim didn't like to be around others right after a lot of action and had, on occasion, even kicked Bones out of their dorm after allowing himself to be patched up after a bar fight.

"He might have taken Pike's quarters" McCoy answered doubtfully. Spock gave a single nod of consent. "It is entirely possible Doctor however, I have studied Kirk since his _illicit_" here the Vulcan gave McCoy a meaningful look "arrival on board and he seems to have some . . . emotional attachment to Captain Pike. I do not believe he would commandeer the captain's quarters without his permission and certainly not when Captain Pike's condition was as dire as it was earlier today."

McCoy nodded, that had been his assessment as well. Puzzled, he looked around his office as though it could tell him where his presumptuous best friend had gone. The room didn't answer but McCoy felt a stirring of . . . _something_ as he looked around the office as though he was trying to remember . . . McCoy shook his head and turned his attention back to the first officer. "Alright Spock, I'll look into it" he answered before ending the transmission.

For the next two hours McCoy divided his time between checking up on Pike who really was doing quite well now and searching the entire ship for Jim. Despite his earlier conclusions the first place he had looked had been Pike's quarters but they remained completely empty while, down the hall, previous cadets were sharing four to a room. After two hours though Bones began to really worry; where _was_ the damned brat?

He contacted to the bridge and informed Spock of his failure to locate Jim and suggested a ship-wide search. Spock had agreed and quickly set the search into motion (like the crew didn't have enough to do after the whole Nero incident).

McCoy went into sick bay and found Pike still asleep, his vitals stable. After motioning for a nurse to look after him he headed for sick bay's exit. Only to be stopped by the nurse he left in charge of Pike.

"Doctor?" she questioned. McCoy turned around, looked at Pike to be certain nothing had changed in the two seconds since he'd turned his back (and people said he was paranoid about his patients ha!) before returning his attention to the nurse. "Yes Nurse Chapel?"

"Doctor, when I was on my way to sick bay earlier I ran into Captain Kirk" McCoy was surprised but, at the same time, relieved. "I take it he said something . . . inappropriate?" McCoy asked, resigned to the fact that he would have to have a talk with Jim about not hitting on his nurses, really, it only got the doctor into trouble when the relationship didn't turn out as the woman had planned.

Nurse Chapel looked confused though. "No Doctor only . . . he asked me for the location of your quarters he said he had a present for your birthday today and wanted to leave it there. I only just realized sir . . . with all the commotion surrounding Captain Pike's return, Kirk hasn't been seen in sickbay and . . . well there was that spat on the bridge between him and Mr. Spock and then Delta Vega and Nero's ship. . . don't you think he should be checked out?" the nurse asked in a rush.

McCoy nodded "Yes, of course" he said grabbing a medi-kit "I'll look into it immediately was there anything else?" the nurse shook her head "No doctor but, as far as I know him which isn't well mind, Kirk didn't seem to be acting like himself". McCoy nodded "Thank you nurse, you've been very helpful."

McCoy quickly smiled at the nurse who really _had _been helpful before leaving sick bay more quickly than before. Really, Jim never got him presents for his birthday he always forgot and then, when McCoy mentioned something to him they would go out for dinner (on Jim of course) and drink until they passed out. What were the chances that Jim would remember Bones' birthday for the first time in four years after such an eventful day when even McCoy himself had forgotten? McCoy sped up on his way to his personal quarters, a feeling of dread coming up from the pit of his stomach.

"_God damn it to hell Jim!_" Bones was a wreck upon entering his quarters to find his best friend sprawled out all over his bed with what was clearly that suspicious bottle of alcohol that Scotty had recommended to Bones upon discovering that, yes, Bones did enjoy the occasional alcoholic indulgence lying empty on the floor. McCoy hadn't dared to drink any of the fowl smelling liquid yet, nervous of taking Scotty's word on the quality (or safety) of an alcoholic beverage.

Bones made his way over to Jim and shook him roughly. Jim moaned in protest. "Get up you idiot!" Bones growled roughly. Jim turned slightly, still half asleep, hissed, and then jumped up wincing. "Bones! I didn' know when you'd be back and I figured you wouldn' mind if I jus' popped on in fer some sleep. That nice Nurse Church lady told me where to find it after I said it was yer birthday which I know is weird 'cause I remembered and everything and . . . HEY! I finally won that bet 'bout remembering yer birthday Bones!" Jim's thoughts were jumbled and unfocused.

McCoy stopped listening to his friend's drunken rant and was busy studying the man for physical signs of exhaustion. Yep, they were all there but something else . . . "Jim" Bones said quietly, interrupting his friend midstream as he talked about hypo sprays and how, really they should have made something that didn't _hurt_ so much.

"Wassup Bones?" Jim asked, glassy-eyed.

"You're bleeding all over my bed" Bones was in almost as much shock from not having noticed Jim was in pain and Jim was from being _in _pain.

Bones _always_ knew when Jim was hurt, always had ever since they first met. There was just something about their relationship that allowed McCoy to know when Jim wasn't himself even when everyone else would have seen the same person they always saw. Bones had known from the first day they met to _not _mention Jim's stepfather. He'd known when Jim had been sliced with a knife even when the kid did his damned best to hide it. How the hell had he missed _this_?

Jim looked down. "Oh yeah! Srry 'bout that Bones but I couldn't stay awake and ya know they have a laundry system here don' cha Bones?" Jim looked at his best friend earnestly as though Bones understanding that the Enterprise had a laundry system was the most important thing in the world.

"'S not like at the academy Bones, you don't have to go and put your clothes through the cycle yerself, you can jus' throw 'em down the shoot and . . ." here Jim made some fumbling motions that appeared to mean the clothes would then magically appear clean in your quarters.

Apparently the young man got too enthusiastic as he winced and obviously reopened parts of the knife wound that had scabbed over. "Hey Bones?" Jim asked, much more contrite than earlier.

"Yeah kid?" Bones replied trying to get a look at his still squirming friend's back.

"It hurts" Jim admitted sheepishly.

Bones looked as the acting captain incredulously, not only was it quite obvious that his wounds hurt but McCoy had never heard the young man admit to pain of any kind before. Was the wound that bad?

"No shit Jim" McCoy answered, his soothing tone belied the words he spoke. "You've got a fucking _canyon _running down your back".

"No" Jim shook his head frantically and grabbed McCoy's cheeks in his hands "no, it _hurts_" he said as he brought his right hand up to the general area his heard resided in.

"Jim I . . ." Bones trailed off, he'd never seen this side of his friend before. It didn't matter, Jim shook his head fervently.

"It's not my fault. It's _never_ my fault. I couldn't help that I wasn't there to save them, the Vulcans Bones and all those god damned Starfleet personnel. I should have gotten here sooner, should have . . .but I _couldn't _Bones, there's _no way_"

"JIM! What the hell's that matter with you? Of _course_ you couldn't have saved them, you tried your damnedest but circumstances didn't allow you to and Jim you still saved _us_, still saved _Earth_. . .isn't that enough Jim?" Jim didn't reply and who could blame him? There _were_ a lot of dead not to mention Kirk's severe bleeding and his drunken state. Bones wasn't sure which factor was responsible for his friend's uncharacteristic silence but he was damn well gonna find out.

"Jim can you walk?" Bones queried gently.

Kirk gave the doctor a disgruntled look and then a grin that belied his previous somber tone "'Course I can Bonesy boy! I'm in tip top shape" Kirk got to his feet to prove his point and promptly fell back onto the bed.

"Aw Bones did cha know this ship moves a _lot_? I mean, I can't even fuckin' stand up ya know? I guess that's somethin' they don' teach at the academy huh?" Jim giggled. "Know what Bones? You're head's kinda tilty ya know? You really should get that looked at, I can't have a medical officer with 'is head all . . . tilty an' shit ya know Bones? No 'ffence" Kirk added the last part as an earnest afterthought as though he was concerned that McCoy just might be upset about having his head described 'tilty'.

"Damn it Jim you don't do anything halfway do you?" Not waiting for an answer Bones moved over to his computer and called up to the bridge.

Spock answered. "Yes Doctor has your search to find the captain proven successful?"

"Yeah Spock I got him, listen, could you have sick bay send an emergency unit and a stretcher to my quarters?"

Spock look mildly confused (_concerned _whispered an annoying voice in the back of McCoy's head). "Certainly doctor, may I enquire as to the nature of this emergency?"

"Yes Mr. Spock you can . . . _after _you call for that med. unit" Spock nodded and promptly turned to another screen and returned seconds later.

"The team is en route doctor" Spock paused waiting for McCoy to continue.

"Spock, Jim has received a critical laceration on his back, is heavily bruised with possible internal injuries, and is . . . debilitatingly hung over" was the doctor's reply.

Spock waited. When it became apparent that the doctor would say no more without encouragement Spock raised an eyebrow. "I had come to the conclusion that the captain needed medical attention on my own doctor could you possibly inform me of any _useful _facts such as recovery time and severity of the emergency? And how, or why, did the captain come to be in an inebriated state?" the last statement was added as a cautious after thought as though Spock was unsure he really wanted to know the answer.

"Sorry Spock" Bones answered gruffly "Doctor patient confidentiality and all" Bones turned off the view screen and walked back over to Jim who had promptly passed out again. Bones shook his head "Damn it Jim, why is it always us?"

Spock would never admit it but he was perplexed. It had been two hours since Doctor McCoy had contacted the bridge to report that he had found the captain and there had been no updates since. Because the doctor had been unwilling to share any helpful specifics about Kirk's case Spock logically assumed that the most severe injuries were of a personal/emotional nature. Just what those injuries were he couldn't be sure.

The first officer had made several attempts to contact sickbay in the past hour but each time had been received by the face of a kindly woman who answered all of his queries with a "Doctor McCoy is busy with a patient and specifics of that case are as of yet unknown."

Spock very nearly huffed, he was beginning to feel a certain distaste for the sickly sweet nurse . . . Chapel was it? Spock had read the crew manifest and believed she fit that description.

Spock rose from his temporary seat in the captain's chair and left the bridge with a brusque "Mr. Sulu you have the conn, send any change in ship's status to sick bay". As he wandered down the corridors of the Enterprise Spock contemplated the odd sensation in is stomach. He felt . . . nervous? Concerned?

What could be wrong with Kirk that would take two hours to fix? Other than looking completely exhausted upon beaming onto the Enterprise, the man had shown no evidence of substantial injuries and yet the doctor appeared to think that the captain _had _obtained injuries of a substantial nature.

Where had that 'severe laceration' come from? Could it be that Spock had been that unobservant? It was well known that humans often lacked the ability to hide serious injuries for very long. Maybe the doctor had over reacted?

_No_. For all of the current CMO's faults Spock knew one thing, the man had the uncanny ability to accurately judge a patient's health and/or injuries upon sight. And why in the world had Kirk gone and imbibed alcohol upon his return to the ship? Spock didn't know but he _would _find out.

"Aw Bones! I'm fine. Can't I just . . . DON'T YOU _DARE _TOUCH ME WITH THAT THING LEONARD McCOY!!!" Jim was currently referring to the small, unobtrusive device that McCoy held in his right hand, Jim had already been stuck with two of the damned things since he'd entered sickbay, not to mention the others he'd received when he first came on board.

"Don't be such an infant Jim! Hypo sprays don't even _hurt _damn it and I need to get your serotonin levels up before you drink yourself to death out of grief! Now hold still God damn it!"

Jim, not inclined to listen to a word the doctor said, squirmed as much as possible trying to get away from his friend and the hypo spray. "NO! You'll never take me alive!" Jim shouted.

Leonard shook his head. Jim was, quite obviously, still hung over but he had moved into what McCoy like to call the 'two-year old Jim who won't listen to _anybody_' phase. Perhaps it wasn't the most original name for the stage but McCoy thought it fit nicely.

"Doctor? If I may?" Both the acting captain and CMO spun around to see who had intruded on the scene.

"Spock, God damn it, get _out _of here! I told you that I couldn't tell you more specifics about Jim's case. Where is Nurse Chapel anyway? She's supposed to be standing guard and making sure no one gets in! Especially green-blooded _hobgoblins _who can't mind their own Vulcan business!"

"Geez Bones whatcha so worked up about? I don' mind Spock bein' here! 'S a good guy Bones _really_" Jim looked into McCoy's eyes trying to convince him of this fact but the look had slightly less effect due to the glassy nature of his eyes.

"Doctor, I only came to see if I could be of assistance and upon witnessing this . . . episode thought I might be of service to you." Spock answered, Jim's comments completely ignored.

Both Jim and McCoy looked shocked and erupted with commentary at the same time.

"Why thank you Mr. Spock I'd appreciate even _your_ help with our infantile captain at the moment."

"Spock! After I stood up for you an' everything? How _could _you? I'll have you know that I don't _need_ any hypo spray, I'm fine thank you very much!"

McCoy considered that while some small part of what Jim said was true, the vast majority of it was a gross understatement. McCoy _had _already attended to all of Jim's physical wounds so that was no longer a problem. What _was _a problem and troubled McCoy deeply was the rather varied emotional state of his best friend.

Spock rose his eyebrows, moved closer to Jim and, before anything else could be said, administered a Vulcan nerve pinch quickly and accurately.

Jim faded into blackness.

Part of Jim, the part in the back of his mind that was still aware of the world outside of unconsciousness, wondered if the Vulcans knew that their nerve pinches didn't stop people from dreaming. Or was it supposed to and Jim was just special? It wouldn't be the first time.

Or maybe, because Spock was half-human, he couldn't do it right? No, Spock did _everything _right. Well unless he was in a deject state of misery because his mother and, you know, _planet_ had been blown to bits and everything. _Then _he didn't always take the right course of action and, really, he couldn't even _murder _Jim right.

Well, whatever the cause Jim was dreaming. And, as in most of his dreams; it wasn't his fault. That's what they always said, that's what _everyone _said; his mother, his grandparents, the councilor at school; they all seemed to think the _only _thing that could be bothering Jim was self incrimination.

Jim's step-father; Frank, had been around since Jim had been about five years old and married his mom when Jim was seven. He'd been a nice enough guy at first, taking Jim and Sam to the old-fashioned movie theatres and all sorts of things. But when the two married and their mother had been off-planet, Frank had changed.

At first it was just a little bit of a drink here, a little foul mood there but as time went on Frank had become dangerous. Frank had left Sam physically alone (although the two were, by no means on friendly terms and had shouting matches all the time) because Sam was old enough to understand and tell another adult that he was being hurt.

But Jim was younger and when Frank had finally pushed Sam to the point where he spent so little time at home that Jim began to forget what his brother looked like, Frank had closed in on him. Frank told Jim awful things, told him his mother and Sam had both left because Jim was _bad_.

Even as a young child Jim had been boisterous and obnoxious although he'd never been called bad before. Still, Jim could see the correlation; adults yelled at him a lot and well, he did find mischief everywhere and Sam and mom really _were _gone an awful lot and so young Jim had begun to doubt his goodness.

As time went on the abuse escalated to a physical violence that went on for years and all of the pain and suffering drew Jim to an edge that he had never really recovered from.

One day Jim came home from school to yelling outside the house. Jim was surprised to see Sam, he hadn't been around in a few weeks. "Sam!" Jim had called excitedly, not only out of genuine love for his brother but because, honestly Frank focused on Sam more than Jim when the older boy was around.

But today Sam didn't return Jim's call he, in fact, ignored his little brother entirely.

"NO, I'M DONE! I can't fucking take this anymore! I'm outta here for good man!" and that had been the end, Sam had stormed off bypassing Jim as though he wasn't even there and Jim's heart sank. His brother didn't care, he knew how cruel Frank was and he was leaving Jim all alone here with the man _for good_.

Frank growled at Jim from the porch as soon as Sam was out of earshot. "Come on boy, come make me some dinner" and, without waiting for a reply Frank had gone inside what had once been a house to Jim and was now a jail cell.

Jim looked around helplessly. What could he do? Sam was gone, his mom was gone and Frank was really pissed off. Jim was scared and young and instinct took over. He ran.

Well, perhaps not literally. Jim had stolen Frank's prized car and set it to full speed down the highway and ended up at a ravine where the car met its unfortunate end. And Jim almost met his. Jim had known the ravine was there, how could he not? He'd grown up in Iowa for God's sake where there was nothing but fields; the ravine had been a point of interest when he was younger.

Something Jim never told all of the councilors or Starfleet psych (later in life) was that he meant to go over that cliff with the car. He had wanted to _so _much. But he couldn't, he didn't want to be that bad and he knew, somewhere deep down, he _knew _his mom and Sam would miss him and he didn't want that, never that.

When Jim had been taken home via a police escort Frank had been courteous and polite until the officers had left, then he laid into Jim's flesh with his belt and fists for the last time.

Winona had come home early that night and, seeing her youngest son in such a delicate position, had thrown Frank to the police who had been at the house not an hour before.

That's when it all began, the haunting mantra of James T. Kirk's life, '_it's not your fault _sweetheart."

No one understood that sometimes, even when you know you're not to blame and you know shit just happens . . . sometimes that knowledge isn't enough. Sometimes life is so messed up that you just need _time_. But Jim had never been allowed time had he? No. They were always pestering him, telling him it wasn't his fault. Damn but Jim got tired of that.

And so, day by day, week by week, year by year people continued to console Jim; nothing was his fault, never. And if Jim got into an inordinate amount of trouble in his youth well, he'd had a bad start and if he punched one too many kids on the playground he was simply relieving the excess hurt he felt.

People began to pity the young man so much that no one could ever see him for who he was; a screw up.

Jim, as a child, really _hadn't _been sure if any of his stepfather's abuse had been his fault due to Frank's emotional conditioning so he, being an intelligent and creative individual had decided to test his idea. At first he only knocked over a few vases that his father had given his mother, then he'd forgotten to call home when he was staying out later than planned. Jim quickly moved to petty theft and serious alcohol binges and bar fights. And no one ever blamed _Jim_.

In the face of all of the evidence he'd been provided with, Jim theorized that; because no one blamed him for things that _were_ his fault, he couldn't trust their judgment that Frank's treatment of him had been undeserved.

But Jim also knew enough to hide; oh he'd learned that lesson well. As a child, with his mother off planet, he'd learned that when Frank came home in the middle of the night smelling of smoke and alcohol it was better to hide than to be caught. And, later, when no amount of staying out of Frank's sight had stopped the man's beatings Jim had learned to hide his feelings, not to scream and give the bastard the pleasure.

The situations hadn't been exactly the same but Jim could hide his feelings, hell, by then hiding had become more of his nature than sharing and so Jim had tucked the information away in the dark recesses of his mind, never sure whether he was responsible.

So Jim had taken to outwardly showing no signs of remorse for anything and internally emotionally abusing himself, taking over his long-gone stepfather's role.

And now this damned catastrophe with the Vulcans where Jim had been involved and, _damn it_, he just didn't know when he was to be blamed after so many years so he blamed himself. Jim could fault no one else not even Nero who had, after all, lost his wife and his planet. So Jim assumed the blame himself.

Thanks to Spock's nerve pinch Jim now dreamed over and over of everyone in his life glaring at him accusatorily, saw Earth being destroyed because he couldn't save it. Jim got less rest during those hours of sleep then he had as he lay bleeding, _dying_, in McCoy's quarters earlier. At least then he had been too drunk to dream.

Spock kept vigil over Jim as he rested, brow creased. Jim did not seem to be having a pleasant rest. Although the captain made no sound as Terrans often do in fitful sleep, Jim tossed and turned on the bio bed and his brow was covered in sweat.

This greatly worried Spock as the Vulcan nerve pinch was supposed to put Terrans into a dreamless sleep. Spock had never heard of any exceptions save that of Terran children who, for reasons unknown, were immune to the effect. Although young, Captain Kirk could certainly no longer be considered a child and Spock had just risen to go and retrieve Dr. McCoy and inquire if the man had some kind of potion to give the captain for better rest when the captain moaned.

"'S not your fault" the captain gasped out and Spock raised an eyebrow; was the captain addressing him or was this another part of his dreaming state? Spock decided not to answer and just wait to see what came of the captain before making any deductions.

"It's never your fault" Jim said more clearly this time.

"What isn't my fault Jim?" Spock asked, still not sure if the captain was talking to him but willing to play along.

Jim paused for a moment and frowned in his sleep and then shook his head as though trying to rid himself of Spock's words.

"Nothing's ever your fault but you know that _everything _is" was Jim's reply.

Spock raised one eyebrow, sure that the captain was not speaking to him anymore as the Vulcan had never heard the captain accuse another of being to blame in a situation. In fact, Spock realized suddenly, Jim seemed to carry the only blame he had to give on his own shoulders.

Others might not realize because of the captain's habit of putting up a strong front and _never _admitting weakness but Spock had glimpsed the, then cadet's, shoulders slump as they exited warp to find the destroyed fleet, as though he should have come to his revelation sooner. Spock had seen, peripherally (his emotions had been far too close to the surface at the time for him to analyze it then), the captain's acceptance of his death on the bridge with Spock's fingers at his throat as though his death would be no great loss to the world.

Spock was just contemplating why the captain would feel this way and what it would mean for the man's future when Dr. McCoy walked back in from his office.

"How's he doing Mr. Spock?" the doctor asked even as he waved various medical devises over the captain.

"He appears to be dreaming doctor" Spock answered and McCoy looked at him as though he could hear the Vulcan's skepticism in his own statement.

"What? Don't you Vulcan's ever dream? You find Jim a good study subject Spock?" McCoy asked disgustedly.

Spock raised his ever limber eyebrow.

"On the contrary doctor, Vulcan's dream much more predictably than humans which is one reason for our lower sleep requirement. In fact, the only time a Vulcan _doesn't _dream while asleep is when the nerve pinch has been executed on their being and, before you sneer, humans respond to the nerve pinch in the same way accepting your children."

Spock looked to the doctor both to assert his truthfulness and also to question the doctor for a reasonable explanation for the phenomenon.

McCoy said nothing, just waved his medical instrumentation more rapidly over his fallen comrade. His brow furrowed as he looked at the scan for adrenaline. Either Jim found something overly . . . pleasant about the Vulcan nerve pinch or . . .

"He's having a nightmare Spock or" here his brow furrowed again "something like that."

"Doctor?" Spock asked.

"I don't know . . . his adrenaline count is up as it should be in a nightmare but . . . some of these other readings aren't consistent with a nightmare. It's almost as though he's . . . thinking deeply _about _a nightmare while he's sleeping." Bones paused and shook his head and turned to Spock. "Are you _sure _that nothing weird happens to human sleep patterns after your nerve pinch?"

Spock shook his head "No one dreams under the Vulcan nerve pinch including terrans. The only recorded exception in the galaxy has been terran children. I do not understand . . ."

Bones snorted while still managing to look concerned "figures Jim would react like a child."

"Indeed" Spock nodded in confirmation of the sentiment.

They were silent for awhile as Bones continued to check Jim's vitals until Spock spoke again.

"He was speaking aloud in his sleep Doctor." The Vulcan offered quietly.

Bones stilled before whirling around to face the Vulcan and looking around sickbay as though to be certain no one else was there before he turned around, attempting to look casual.

"What . . . ah what did he say? Could you understand him?" the last was added in a hopeful voice and gave Spock the impression that the doctor dearly wished that Spock had not heard or understand Kirk's words.

"Clearly doctor. He spoke of, what I believe to be, his innocence before clearly condemning himself for something but, without context, I could not tell you what he was speaking of."

McCoy frowned. He had dormed with Jim for the past four years and he knew what Jim often moaned out during his nightmares but the Vulcan's round about way of talking had Bones confused.

"Spock did he . . . did he say that none of this" Bones gestured around sickbay to indicate the past several days "was his fault?" Bones asked, hesitant to give more away to the Vulcan than he already knew but also unable to give up a chance to solve one of the mysterious he had been trying to solve for years. The doctor wanted to see if the nightmares always referred to one time in Jim's life or if they changed, mutated based on current events in the young man's life.

"Not specifically doctor, I inferred that he was referring to himself based on past observations of him. His words were that 'nothing's ever your fault but you know that _everything _is'. Do you have some explanation doctor?"

Bones looked up at Spock critically and then sighed and shook his head. "No Spock, Jim always goes on about fault in his dreams and, like you, I've come to realize that he's placing blame on himself but for _what _I've never figured out."


	2. Waking Up in Sickbay

Hey guys! Thanks so much for the reviews! I never realized before how much they inspire you since this is my first time actually writing my own fanfic! I'll definitely make a habit of reviewing for other people more often! Also, I guess I didn't mention before but flames are welcome.

Oh yeah, and I've been reminded that Kirk and McCoy (and basically all the other cadets of their year) only went to the academy for three years in this universe, not four, so I'll fix that as soon as I can. Thank you so much! I really appreciate the reminders and input because nobody's perfect but I do aspire to correct my mistakes.

Sorry about the horrible punctuation. I've never been very good at that delicate art!

Again, I own nothing of this wonderful world nor any of these awesome characters.

Chapter Two

Jim woke up slowly to the hum of sickbay and groaned softly. He hated being in sickbay. Not only did it mean that something was wrong with him (Jim avoided annual physicals like the plague) but there was always the threat of . . .

"Jim!"

_Bones_. Damn it, now what? Jim cautiously peered around seeking an escape route.

"Oh no you don't" his stern doctor reprimanded "you're not escaping _my _sickbay as easily as you do Starfleet Medical.

Jim threw a meaningful glance at Bones and whined "but _Bones _it's not nice to make things difficult for your patients! Isn't there some oath you take not to screw up your patient's mental state or something?"

McCoy raised an eyebrow, nonplussed.

"Yes" he replied slowly "but given the mental state you've been in since we first met, I think I'll take my chances that I won't do any more damage."

"But my head hurts" Jim complained childishly "don't you have something to, you know, _help me_. This is a sickbay isn't it?" Jim looked around "It sure _looks _like one."

McCoy sighed. He had wanted Jim to suffer a little bit; a headache wouldn't kill the man and besides, it wasn't like Jim hadn't brought the pain upon himself drinking unknown alcoholic substances when he should have been in sickbay recovering from the last few days.

Nevertheless Bones _was_ a doctor at heart, first and foremost and to see anyone suffering, even if that person was whining like some spoiled child, brought out a strong protective instinct in the southern man.

Without saying anything to Jim, McCoy crossed the room, grabbed a hypo and made his way back over to his friend's bed.

"Uh . . . Bones? What are you . . .ACH!!!! Why do you _do_ that?!" Jim rubbed the side of his neck soothingly.

"Don't be such an infant Jim! You're lucky I didn't make you suffer that God damned hangover that _you _created."

"Nuh uh" Jim protested "it was that blue shit that you had in your fucking _room_ that did it! What _was _that anyway?" Jim asked scathingly.

"I don't know" Bones admitted, running a medical scanner over his best friend's body, evaluating his overall _physical _health (God knows Bones has tried and failed a million time to fix his friend's mental state to no avail).

"You don't know?!" Jim yelped. "You mean that shit could have been _poison_? It could have fucking _killed _me? Why the hell did you have poison in your room anyway?" Jim asked suspiciously.

Bones rolled his eyes. "It wasn't poison Jim! I don't think Scotty's _that _tough so stop accusing me! Anyway, I don't recall inviting you into my quarters to drink whatever the hell I had in my room and then proceed to _die _on my mother fucking _bed_!"

McCoy's voice was breaking significantly by the end of his speech but his eyes were on fire with rage.

Jim suddenly found the floor a very interesting subject to study.

The two friends sat in silence for a long time before Jim mumbled into his chest "'M sorry Bones. Didn't mean to make you scared."

Bones looked down at his friend helplessly. What could he say to that? Jim _had _scared Bones; he'd terrified the living shit out of the older man, was _still _scaring him. But Jim just looked so broken and lost like a little puppy. Bones sighed. The same little puppy he'd picked up three years ago with the same hurt underneath. Back then the Jim had been angry at the world and had recklessly broken every rule there was out of fear, just as the metaphorical stray puppy might bite someone who got too close.

McCoy was beginning to think that he'd never get through Jim's brick barrier, that he'd have to be content with half of who Jim was forever (which, face it, was more than enough). And now this.

Damn it but Bones was too old for this, always had been.

Instead of telling Jim that everything was all right, that he was forgiven, that it wasn't his _fault_, Bones just pated his friend's shoulder and nodded in acknowledgement.

"Just try to take better care of yourself alright kid?" Bones attempted to lighten the mood but the seriousness in his statement escaped the notice of neither man.

"Yeah, alright." Jim agreed hesitantly.

The two cadets-turned-officers fell into a companionable silence until another figure entered the room.

"Captain. It is . . . mentally refreshing to see that you are well again." Spock greeted.

Jim nodded. "Yeah Spock, I'm . . . HEY! You knocked me _out_! What the hell Spock? I thought we were passed blatant hatred?" Jim accused.

Spock feigned ignorance. "I'm sure I have no knowledge as to what you are referring to Captain. I do not experience hatred and, during the time in question, I merely acted as logic dictated. You needed medication and as you seemed unwilling to oblige . . ." Spock trailed off, uncertain how best to defend himself from his captain.

Jim continued to eye the first officer skeptically.

"No harm, no foul I guess" Kirk agreed carefully "But, as your way of making it up to me you have to get me out of this sickbay!"

"Mr. Spock, you'd better _not _you green- blooded hobgoblin!" McCoy protested. "Jim needs rest and besides that . . ." McCoy went on to list several medical reasons why Kirk should absolutely not be released from sickbay just yet.

Spock glanced at McCoy and saw the doctor's withering glare. Then he glanced to the captain and saw his pleading glance.

"I believe I will return to my post on the bridge gentlemen. Unless you require further assistance of me?" Spock asked the question just as the doors to the sickbay hissed shut.

"Damn it Spock!" Jim yelled after him "I'm going to _kill _you!"

In the corridor the young science officer raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating."

A/N: Hey guys! I know this chapters significantly shorter than the last one but I spent a few days on the first chapter (thinking it was going to be a one-shot) but that obviously didn't work out so my chapters are probably going to be shorter now. I hope that's ok! Anyway, I figure speed of updating was more important that length. Thanks again!


	3. Avoiding Bones

Thanks for the reviews guys I love you for them! Also, I'm going to be a freshman in college this year and yesterday started orientation and I start school on August 19 so just be patient. I WILL finish this story.

I don't own anything. Never have, never will.

Chapter Three 

**One Week Later **

Jim had been released from sickbay for several days but was still under heavy scrutiny from his best friend and CMO and his . . . _whatever _the fuck they were and first officer.

McCoy was still worried about Jim. The captain went about the work that had been delegated to him and seemed to be interacting well with the crew. That being said, something was definitely off.

For instance, Bones noticed that Jim had been giving the two of them opposite schedules since he had returned to duty. The way, whenever Bones walked into the mess hall or the recreation room Jim would mysteriously disappear seconds later.

Bones also noticed the way Jim walked, stiffly and carefully as though his muscles were in pain and he wanted desperately to hide it. McCoy knew what that meant. Or, at least, he knew the basics of what it meant; Jim was hurting and didn't want Bones to know about it.

But Bones had always known. Ever since the first time he'd found Jim after a bar fight. Jim had sent a transmission that he was too drunk to drive and 'could Bones please come get him?'

McCoy smiled as he recalled his naïveté. He'd driven up to the unnamed bar and Jim had hopped in. It was too dark for Bones to see properly and, anyway, Jim's blackened eye had been facing the door of the car, not the doctor.

There were other injuries of course, all hidden by the long sleeved shirt that Jim wore. McCoy had speculated later that the long sleeved shirt in June should have tipped him off. On the other hand, it _was_ San Francisco so maybe the shirt had been justified.

Bones had later discovered the injuries. Really, how had Jim thought he would get away with hiding? They lived in the same fucking dorm! He'd given Jim a piece of his mind and several hypos.

Since then, it became a ritual. Jim hurt himself, and tried to hide it from Bones. The doctor always knew when Jim was injured and would reprimand the man severely (for receiving _and _hiding the hurts) even as he stuck several hypos into his neck and cleaned up the wounds.

This was different though. Jim was actually sneaking around Bones to avoid him. This wasn't a challenge to see how long it would take the doctor to notice he was hurting. That was what worried Bones the most. What could be so bad that Jim couldn't play his usual games?

McCoy sighed heavily and sent a message to the bridge. He was going to find out what was wrong with his best friend if it was the last thing he did. Even if he wasn't powerful enough to fix Jim this time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Spock glanced at the message that Uhura held up and nodded. Good. McCoy was finally going to do something about their captain's odd behavior.

Ever since the captain had been released from sickbay he had been avoiding the doctor and Spock found himself the captain's newest companion.

It had started with the two playing chess together. The captain had explained these encounters as trying to get to know his crew (Spock found this highly illogical as the captain only played chess with him and, anyway, there was no predicting whether Kirk would be captain for long once Starfleet command had their say so why bother to 'get to know' the crew?).

Then Kirk had begun talking to him, to the point of distraction when they were on the bridge together. Asking him this or that about every kind of species imaginable.

Then there was the fact that the captain insisted that they eat meals together. Spock didn't give much thought to the subject since the captain and he had the same shifts and McCoy, the captain's renowned best friend, had opposing shifts. Therefore it was only logical that the captain eat with someone . . . _wait_.

Spock paused for a moment considering. Didn't Kirk sign off on the schedules? He wasn't sure. Although captains were usually assigned the duty of signing off on their officer's schedules, there were usually little to know changes made. Anyway Kirk wasn't _really _the captain according to Starfleet command, would he still have the duty of signing off on schedules or had it been delegated to someone else?

However, Spock considered briefly, shifts were usually arranged so that no one would work with the same people or during the same hours all the time. This was so that, in a crisis situation, everyone was at the ready and knew what to do and how to work with every member of the crew. Doctor McCoy and Kirk had been on opposing shifts for almost a week.

Spock recalled briefly thinking that the doctor and Kirk would always be on the same shift if the captain had his way and that he, Spock, would have to review the schedules and point out the illogic of that situation.

The Vulcan had never considered that he would be coming to the conclusion that the opposite was also true; the captain and CMO _never _having the same shifts was just as illogical as the two always sharing the same shifts.

Just then the turbo lift door hissed open revealing the object of the first officer's thoughts. Spock took a moment to study the captain and noticed the faint circles under the captain's eyes and knew that the doctor's concern was legitimate beyond any trace of doubt.

"Captain" Spock stepped forward to approach. Kirk turned to him and smiled charmingly.

"What can I do for you Mr. Spock?" the captain asked as he gave his full attention to his first officer.

Spock inconspicuously lowered his voice so that he wouldn't be overheard. "Doctor McCoy requires your presence in sickbay."

Kirk nodded his head amiably. "Will do Spock, at my earliest convenience." Jim sat down in the captain's chair and began reviewing the list of updates put forth by the beta ship.

"Captain . . ." Spock was more hesitant this time, unsure how the blond would react.

Kirk looked up, suspicious this time and tilted his head in question.

"The doctor required your presence _immediately_" Spock stressed.

The captain blinked a couple of times. "What could possibly be so important that Bones needs to take time away from my shift to talk while he's off duty?"

Spock wasn't sure if the question was addressed to him but felt compelled to respond either way. "I am uncertain captain" (Spock didn't lie, he didn't _know _why the doctor wanted to see his friend, merely speculated) "however, he did seem most adamant in his request."

Jim sighed. "Fine, Spock, I'll be in sickbay."

Spock nodded as the captain headed for the turbo lift. "Logical."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim, of course, had no intention of going to sickbay. As long as he wasn't going to be on the bridge, he might as well review that paperwork he'd been putting off since he become captain of the _Enterprise. _

Not that the paperwork was required, it wasn't like he even had clearance to be on board. Still, there _were _transference of command papers to be dealt with if he wanted Starfleet to be impressed with his work. Something Jim wanted very much.

As Jim stepped off the turbo lift and onto the floor the quarters were on (he'd finally gotten that sorted out by kicking some ensign out to live with two others and commandeering those quarters for himself).

And promptly ran into something much shorter than himself. Jim looked up, surprised. He'd seen a flash of black as he walked milliseconds before collision. What the hell? Why had someone left a piece of equipment in the fucking hall?

Kirk looked down and his heart dropped. Not a piece of equipment after all. Merely someone sitting . . . oh _shit_.

"Captain Pike!" he squeaked out much to his dismay. Kirks didn't _squeak _damn it!

"Kirk" the older man greeted amiably.

"Uh . . . how are you sir? Everything going well? Good, good. Well, I've got to go bye!" Jim turned quickly to head back into the turbo lift, unsure where he was going; not to sickbay that was for sure. Kirk knew that Pike and Bones had become pretty good friends during Pike's time in sickbay (and why not? Bones _had _saved the man's lift) and Pike was probably trying to get him to go see the doctor.

"Jim" Pike admonished softly.

Kirk sighed. Pike had been released from sickbay about a day after Kirk, himself, had been. They had had a few interesting chats together in sickbay and had become pretty good friends themselves once Jim had come to the conclusion that he'd, inevitably, be there for awhile.

While Jim was glad the older man was alright, he would rather not talk to him at the moment. Not when he was desperately trying to hide the fact that he hadn't gotten any sleep since leaving sickbay and that he was probably unfit for command.

Kirk turned around hesitantly. "Yes sir?"

Pike smiled fondly. "You're not getting off that easy, son. The doctor told me you'd try to hide. You're going to sickbay whether you like it or not." The older man told Kirk half sternly, half fondly.

Without answering Jim turned around again to head for the turbo lift. Pike laughed.

"Kirk. He's got officers posted at every level _except _level two." Jim groaned. Level two was, of course, where sickbay was located.

"Am I to understand that I am a prisoner on my own ship?!" Jim demanded.

Pike studied the younger man. McCoy was right, Kirk needed help. "No. You're just not allowed to go anywhere else until you get your ass to sickbay." Pike responded calmly, rationally. Jim thought he sounded kinda like Spock in that moment. If Spock swore, of course.

"Do I _have _to?" Kirk almost whined.

Pike considered. "No" Kirk was relieved.

"Great! I'll just be going to my quarters to do some paperwork! It was great to see you sir!" Kirk attempted to make his way around the man before he changed his mind. Only to find that Starfleet- issue wheelchairs were extremely maneuverable.

The older man continued. "_No_, you don't have to go to sickbay. You can either ride the turbo lift up and down until we get back to Earth and wait for McCoy to catch you there _or _you can go to sickbay and get this all over with now and go back to being captain of this ship." Pike finished.

Kirk sighed. He'd rather ride the turbo lift all day. But that would interfere severely with the running of the ship and he wanted the ship to run well. Otherwise, he feared, he might be kicked out of Starfleet permanently.

He turned back to the turbo lift without replying, properly reprimanded. "And Kirk?" Pike asked.

Jim turned and raised both eyebrows in question, annoyed.

"Paperwork?" the older man smiled "never thought I'd see the day."

Jim said nothing, just continued back into the turbo lift. But when the doors closed, a hint of a smile crossed his face. It was his first smile in weeks.

A/N Yay Pike! While he's not my favorite character, I fancy him a father figure for Jim in this universe. Couldn't resist that. So. What happens? Is Kirk going to sickbay? Will Spock and McCoy find out what's wrong before the ship goes to hell? And _where _did I leave those fucking bunnies?! Um . . . find out next time yay! Review please!


	4. Talking with Dr Peterson

Okay woot! I finally found some of those bunnies I've been looking for and that means another chapter yay! Sorry it's been so long guys! It wouldn't have been even considering the fact that I recently started college but I've also switched two classes and had to catch up to the others in those classes but now I'm all caught up in back! So, on with the story!

By the way, sorry about the spelling! I know I suck at it but I'm really trying! If it gets too bad could someone tell me so that I can do something about it? Thanks guys!

Not mine, I just dress them up and make them act funny!

Chapter 4

**Going back a bit in time to see what Bones has been doing while Jim was avoiding him**

McCoy frowned as he looked at Jim's medical profile, more specifically, his psych profile. There was nothing there. Jim's record was as clean as Spock's (whose record he had definitely_ not_ looked into just to dig up dirt on the Vulcan . . . that would be wrong). It didn't matter anyway, the Vulcan, as expected had no flaws on his final record.

But McCoy had been sure that Jim would have an interesting record! The surly doctor could think of things that the two had done at the academy that had warranted at least a paragraph in a psych profile. But something disturbed McCoy even more than the lack of notations on Kirk's psych record.

Kirk had never even taken his psych exam. McCoy had taken his in his junior year, putting it off longer than most cadets in order to somewhat overcome his fear of space. The doctor had always assumed Jim had gotten his out of the way in their freshmen year, before the two men started spending every spare minute of the day together.

But Jim was going to graduate soon and he hadn't been through the _mandatory _psych exam. Jim had captained a star ship for Christ sake and hadn't had any contact with a psychologist in, from what Bones gathered from his file, his entire life!

McCoy had considered that Jim had simply forgotten to take the exam for all of three seconds before chucking it out the window. Jim thrived on tests, he loved them, had taken the Kobyashi Maru _three times_! He never missed them and he most certainly never forgot them. So he was avoiding the exam, but why?

This very question had McCoy digging up any and all records on James T. Kirk that he could find in Starfleet databases but there wasn't much to go on. Jim had been hospitalized and inordinate number of times in his childhood but, given what McCoy knew about Kirk, that was hardly unexpected. There was a small patch of time between the end of his tenth grade school year and the beginning of his eleventh where there was nothing. No grades, no field trip forms, nada.

The record had quite clearly been wiped plane because the last notation before Jim started his eleventh grade year was a letter from Jim's family doctor transferring all of his files temporarily to a physician on a colony. And here Bones ran into another glitch. The colony wasn't even listed! That piece of required information had been left conveniently blank so that Bones couldn't even look under the colony's doctors and see if he could figure out which one Jim had been left to.

This was insane! McCoy had never seen a medical file with so much history and so little practical information! For instance, the majority of Jim's hospitalizations from his youth were documented with the location and doctor who had cared for him but the description of the injury and the treatment had been left entirely blank.

What disturbed McCoy more was that Jim's allergies had been meticulously documented in the same hand that had decidedly _not_ documented his injuries. McCoy found that Jim had had asthma in his youth and several other interesting things about his best friend but where he really needed information, there was none. This was all the more distressing because it was clear to Bones that whoever had been Jim's family doctor, a Dr. Tom Peterson, had obviously not been a slacker. The carefully documented cases of flu, with an inordinate amount of attention paid to detail belied that possibility.

How could a doctor be so descriptive on common childhood ailments be so lax when it came to times when the patient has been _hospitalized_?

McCoy sighed as he looked through the files. The doctor and hospital contact information was all there and Bones knew what he needed to do.

He flipped the computer to communications mode and fed it the appropriate information.

A young feminine voice came over the line accompanied by the view of a short woman with long blond hair. "This is Iowa General how may I help you?" the woman's voice was too sugary for McCoy 's taste.

"Hi. I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy and I'm looking for a Dr. Tom Peterson, is he available?"

The woman checked a file that McCoy assumed was a schedule for the doctor's on staff. "Yes." She finally replied "Dr. Peterson is in his office at the moment and available, would you like me to patch you through to him?" the woman asked.

"That'd be swell" McCoy answered tightly, already tired of the young woman.

The computer screen went blank for a moment before a new room was revealed with an older gentleman in front of the screen. The man smiled in greeting.

"Dr. McCoy! I've heard so much about you! It's good to finally make your acquaintance!" the man greeted in a jovial tone.

"Um, should I know you?" McCoy asked hesitantly. The man's name didn't ring a bell but perhaps he was famous for something?

"No, no not at all dear boy! I am an old friend of Dr. Jonathon Rice and he mentioned you non-stop for a number of years whenever we had our lunch meetings!" the man answered kindly.

McCoy like the man already.

"Really? How is John? I heard he moved down to Florida is that right?" McCoy asked thoughtfully, he hadn't thought about his mentor in ages. The man had been his head of department back when he was working at Shewey Medical Center.

"Yeah, the old man finally retired and moved with his wife down south, I hear that the two of them fight like an old married couple now that John isn't at work every waking minute!" the old man chuckled softly.

McCoy grinned back; it was great to hear about his old friend. His brow furrowed however as he thought back to the reason for his call.

"Dr. Peterson I was wondering . . ."

"Please call me Tom! All my friends do, even some of my patients do! Dr. Peterson makes me feel like I'm boasting about my accomplishments!" the kindly doctor interrupted McCoy semi-sternly.

"Of course, Tom" McCoy replied and hesitated, he wanted to give the doctor another name to call him but no one ever called him _Leonard._ Why on earth had his parents named him that?

"You can call me Bones then Tom." McCoy finally settled on Jim's nickname for him. It had stuck at the academy because McCoy hadn't wanted to be called Leonard but his friends couldn't very well go around calling him 'Dr. McCoy' all the time could they?

The elderly doctor raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

"Look Tom, I was wondering, would you remember a patient of yours? James T. Kirk?" McCoy asked hesitantly.

A shadow fell over the older doctor's face before clearing again. "Jimmy Kirk? You know him? I heard he saved all our asses last week, how is the rascal?"

McCoy hesitated; clearly this doctor had a somewhat special relationship with Jim, did he really want to question his shady documenting techniques? On the other hand, McCoy needed to know, as he was now Jim's attending physician.

"He's . . . he's . . . well I was hoping you could tell me?" McCoy ventured.

Peterson raised his eyebrow. "I haven't seen Jimmy Kirk since he was 18 and left his mom's house to do God- knows-what. I only recently heard that he was in Starfleet and had made quite a name for himself even as a cadet. I always knew that boy could go places if only . . ." here the doctor studied McCoy "if only he tried" the doctor finished, obviously put out that he hadn't said what he wanted to.

"Well, the things is, I'm CMO of the Enterprise and Jim's attending . . . and his best friend" McCoy admitted the last with the hopes of gaining Peterson's trust. "Jim got hurt during the mission, I'm guessing that's no surprise to either of us, and I had to heal him. He's been avoiding me like the plague, of course, and so I took the opportunity to look into his medical record . . . and found some very interesting discrepancies."

The older doctor nodded. "Yes. Yes, I suppose you would wouldn't you?" the man seemed to be talking to himself more than to Bones so he didn't reply. "Would you believe that in the 7 years since I last treated Jimmy no one has ever called me to ask about all that deleted history?" The man shook his head in disgust.

"There are so many obvious holes I thought for sure that someone would figure it out or at least _contact_ me for more information. But no one ever has. I guess it shouldn't come as that much of a surprise though should it? James was always good at hiding what he wanted to" McCoy nodded his agreement at the doctor's assessment.

"Why'd you delete all of the causes and treatments of his hospitalizations?" McCoy asked gently.

The other doctor studied McCoy once again and seemed to find what he was looking for because he began to speak slowly.

"Look, Dr. McCoy, you know that technically I can't tell you any of this because of doctor-patient confidentiality but I'm going to in the hopes that you can help James where I never could." The man sat in thought awhile before he began again.

"Jimmy was a good kid, Bones" here he looked at McCoy to see if the nickname was correct and McCoy nodded at him to go ahead. "He was so intelligent, so happy, such a pain in the god damned ass." McCoy smiled, that was Jim alright.

"Until he turned eight" the doctor's voice had a haunting quality that Bones knew immediately that he didn't like. "Jim's mom got remarried that summer and both Jim and Sam became so closed off after that . . . it was like they weren't the same kids' anymore"

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Who's Sam?"

Dr. Peterson looked startled and eyes Bones suspiciously "I thought you said you were the kid's best friend? I'm not going to reveal all this to you if I can't trust you" the doctor made to hang up and McCoy panicked.

"NO! I _am_ his best friend! What's that got to do with a guy named Sam?" Bones asked, bewildered.

Peterson glared at him for several seconds before he sighed. "He's Jim's older brother."

"_What_? Jim doesn't have any siblings!" McCoy screeched before hesitating. Actually, the conversation had never been brought up had it? McCoy had no siblings and so had never asked if Jim had and had assumed that Jim's lack of asking was because he didn't have any either.

"Actually" Peterson replied, calmer now "I'm not surprised you've never heard of him. He ran off when he was 15, and never cam back to Iowa. Oh, I know he and Jim patched things up eventually but they hadn't had much communication over the years and Jim was so pissed that Sam hadn't taken him with him . . ." here the doctor trailed off again.

"How much older was Sam than Jim" McCoy asked curiously.

The doctor frowned. "Four years? Maybe five? I'm not sure, but around there."

McCoy frowned. "So Jim was pissed that Sam didn't take him away from home when he was . . . nine or ten? What's wrong with that picture?" McCoy asked sarcastically.

The doctor nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Jimmy always wanted to leave home but this was something else . . . this was Frank."

"Frank? I've never heard of him . . . another brother?" McCoy asked, beginning to wonder just how many damned Kirk's there actually were running around.

Peterson shook his head morosely. "No, Frank was their stepfather."

McCoy wrinkled his nose, Jim didn't talk much about his stepfather but McCoy had long ago gotten the picture that he wasn't a nice man.

The doctor nodded at McCoy's face.

"My sentiments exactly."

"But Dr. . . _Tom_" McCoy corrected himself "what does Frank have to do with Jim and Sam's relationship?"

Tom shook his head again. "_Everything_. Frank's the reason Sam left Iowa; he left Jim all alone with that bastard for eight _years_.

Bones raised a skeptical eyebrow. "What about Winnona?" he asked. He had met Jim's homely mother last winder break and had found her quite charming.

The other doctor nodded acceptingly. "Winnona was a good barrier between Jim and Frank when she was around. See, she's around all the time now but when the boys were young she was always off-planet doing something or anther and after Sam left, Jimmy was the sole responsibility of Frank for most of the year."

The doctor seemed to be on a role now as he rushed ahead as though if he stopped to gather his thoughts, he wouldn't continue. McCoy didn't interrupt.

"At first I didn't suspect anything. Frank wasn't from around here, no one knew who he was before he married Winnona but he seemed nice enough at the time. But soon Jimmy started comin' in with injuries that just weren't like him. He'd break his arm and that was usual enough for a boy his age, especially one as rambunctious as him. Then, a week later he'd come in with a concussion on his head, again, not too unusual but the injuries were so close together and well, Jimmy had never been particularly clumsy before . . .

So I started to look into it. That's my job, you understand. I hadn't known that Winnona was off-planet so much because she always made it in for her annual physical. When I started askin' around and found out she hadn't been home in three months I became suspicious. Winnona would never hurt her boys but I didn't know Frank. What I _did _know was that either way, there wouldn't be witnesses.

Over the years I got enough evidence and, eventually, confessions from Jimmy to prove that Frank should be arrested." The doctor had to pause here as he looked at McCoy.

"One day Jimmy came into my clinic, uninjured for once, and begged me not to tell anyone what Frank had done to him. You're his best friend, you said. Do you understand what I'm telling you? James T. Kirk doesn't beg. But there he was, 15 years old on my examining room floor balling his eyes out that if I told anyone what was going on with Frank that, even if the bastard got what he deserved, Jim would be punished for it.

I didn't understand at first, thought it was just an abused kid protecting his abuser, they all do it. But the kid just kept goin' on and on about it . . . I finally got it out of him that he was worried that his mother wouldn't love him anymore.

_Damn_ McCoy! Off course I didn't believe him at first, who would? Winnon's such a nice woman . . . but the more I thought about it the more I remembered. When the kids were younger, before Frank and before Sam ran away, Winnona would bring them in . . . she always spoke so enthusiastically about Sam, how he was doing in school, what sports he was playing this year, etc. But she never talked about Jimmy and I began to wonder . . ."

McCoy couldn't help himself. He _had_ to interrupt this time.

"Are you saying you think Mrs. Kirk was in on the abuse? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, I ain't buyin' that!" McCoy's accent was reverting back to it's natural southern drawl as he became more and more upset.

The doctor shook his head furiously. "No! Of course not! Winnona wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone her own son. But Bones, you've gotta understand! Jimmy was born seconds before his father _died_. He looked so much like his daddy. How you think Winnona felt huh? Lookin' into Jimmy's eyes all the time and seein' his daddy.

Then I started to see. If Jimmy and I came out with his abuse, well, then he'd be responsible for Frank's leaving and Jimmy was worried that then he'd be responsible for another of his mom's husbands leaving and her being all alone again."

"It wouldn't have been Jim's fault!" McCoy protested.

Peterson shook his head. "No it wouldn't have been. I knew it, Jimmy knew it, Winnona would have seen it but would it have stopped the feelings? Would it have stopped Winnona from looking at Jimmy as responsible even when she knew he wasn't?

See, I wasn't sure and Jimmy _said_ that's what would happen. And hell, Bones! I couldn't leave the kid in a position where, just when his abuser got thrown out, his mother started blaming him for it so I kept quite for all these years. I just erased his medical files so that no one else would find out and reveal his secret . . ." the doctor finished his story quietly.

"So . . . Winnona never knew? She doesn't know _now_?" Bones asked incredulously.

Tom looked up. "Oh she knows. See one day she came home early from one of her trips and saw Frank doing . . . _whatever the hell_ he was doing to Jim and she kicked him out right then and there. Problem solved see? Frank got thrown out, Jimmy got therapy, and his mother didn't subconsciously blame him for his stepfather leaving. Still, I reckon the kid's pretty screwed up from it all . . . it went on for _eight years_ after all and he only went to therapy for 2 months before he quit.

I never heard from him again until a buddy of mine told me he had left to join Starfleet. I'd assumed they'd handled everything. Even us Iowa doctors hear that Starfleet has some of the best psych programs going, I figured Jimmy was finally safe when I heard about the Nero incident. Did I assume too much?"

McCoy shrugged, his head still reeling from the story.

"I'm not sure. I know for a fact that Jim hasn't had his psych evaluations from Starfleet and he really doesn't like doctors but those could just be hangovers from the abuse and he might be ok now right?" McCoy asked hopefully.

Peterson nodded. "He could be. I myself would feel better if I knew that Starfleet psych had declared him mentally stable but . . . I guess all's well that end's well right?"

Bones nodded but didn't say anything, he though the other doctor was over simplifying the situation but he didn't want to be rude after the doctor had divulged all of this information to him.

"Thank you Tom, unless there's anything else I have to get ready for our patient now."

The older doctor hesitated a moment before sighing. "I guess there's no point in keeping anything from you now is there?

See, there _is_ one more thing . . . I assume when you looked up Jim's medical record you saw that I transferred his files for a summer to another doctor on a colony?"

McCoy nodded his head, he had forgotten about that mystery, so caught up in Jim's secret past.

"I wasn't the one who deleted that record . . . I would have, of course, if it had been up to me but . . ." the doctor eyed McCoy, sizing the younger man up one last time.

"The colony was Tarsus IV" the doctor said and McCoy couldn't find any words to describe his horror at this revelation.

"James was one of six* survivors and the youngest among them. He got therapy coming back of course, it was mandatory for everyone but he never did his assigned follow up visits before he left Iowa and his last psych evaluation wasn't heartening . . . I deleted that evaluation too . . . I thought I would do my part to give Jimmy a new lease on life."

McCoy shook his head. "Why was Jim sent to _Tarsus_ for Christ sake?"

Peterson sighed. "It's not like anyone _knew_ what was going to happen there! Jim was staying with some family over the summer while Winnona put her life back together after Frank. That's really all I know . . . you'd have to talk to the psych experts who handled Jim's case if you wanted more information on the Tarsus situation . . . all I know is that everyone who was a witness got those records erased immediately upon returning."

The two trailed off in silence, both considering the young captain. McCoy noticed the time and figured that Pike probably had Jim on his was down to sickbay by now and reluctantly informed Peterson that he had to go.

The two doctor exchanged their good-byes and hung up. McCoy quickly vacated his chair and headed out of his office.

It was time to get ready for Jim's visit.

*Okay! For those of you who don't/ didn't watch Star Trek: The Original Series. The Tarsus IV incident actually happened in that universe although I'm not sure how old Jim was or exactly how many witnesses there were but I know it wasn't a lot. Basically, it was major genocide against the people there by the resident governor named Kronos (sp?) who basically decided that, since there wasn't a lot of food/ resources on Tarsus he would decrease the population by half so that the 'worthy' population could survive. Long story short (too late), Kirk was basically living in the wild (I assume without much food), trying to avoid any people in power who would probably make him kill others and what-not. If you want more info I suggest you watch that episode . . . who's name has fled my mind at the moment but it's really good! But that's all the information you need to know about it for this story, major trama for Kirk like pretty much everything else. Cool? Cool!


	5. Chapter 5

**Hides face**. Um, I have no excuse for my lack of updates except that I've been on an NCIS kick for awhile but now I have returned yay! So um, yeah . . . here you go. Don't kill me!

Oh yeah! I'm going to repost the old chapters since my best friend in the whole wide world has edited them after finding the story forgotten on my floor so yay! Thanks Annie ! She also, by the way, is making me continue this, which is good for me because I have to finish a story at some point, right? Hopefully it's good for you guys too!

I own nothing.

Chapter Five

Jim paused just outside the door of sickbay in order to clear his mind. Everything would be ok, Bones wasn't really as mean as he seemed.

Jim snorted to himself as he stepped within range of the door's motion sensor. '_Yeah right.' _

With a small grin on his face Jim peaked around the door to his friend's office and winced when Bones met his gaze. The doctor had that _look_ on his face. The one that said he was concerned and that he and Jim were going to have a _very_ long talk about something that Jim would rather leave unsaid. In response to Bones' expression Jim rallied his defenses around him in preparation for the battle before him.

"Jim good, you're here. Let's step into my office shall we?" Bones grabbed the younger man's shoulder and dragged him into an office with a plaque that read 'CMO Dr. Harold Puri' and quietly eased the door shut behind him.

The newly promoted Chief Medical Officer studied the face of his best friend before beginning what he knew would be one of the most difficult conversations of his life.

"Listen Jim, I need to have a serious conversation with you about your . . ."

Before Bones could finish his sentence Jim rushed in with anger.

"You're damn _right_ we have to talk about something! What the hell were you thinking? You don't just take a captain hostage on his own ship Bones! I mean what the _hell_? Not only does it violate every fucking protocale laid out by Starfleet but it's some kind of universal law; 'if you're going to take a captain hostage you_ don't _do it on _his_ ship'! Jeez Bones! Doesn't Starfleet teach its doctors _anything? _Seriously, I must be dreaming because there is no way in hell that this is happening!" Jim's tirade ended, with his breath coming in short, angry gasps.

McCoy paused for a moment, determined to wait out any further remarks from his best friend. When it became clear that Jim's rant had concluded the doctor began again.

"Look Jim, you've been acting strangely these last few days and I was determined to get to the bottom of this and I, with the help of a few others, conspired to trap you in sick bay. I'm sorry but I couldn't think of anything else that would get you in here so soon or willingly." Here Jim opened his mouth to retort but Bones pressed on, worried that if the maelstrom that was his best friend was unleashed they would never conclude their conversation with sanity intact.

"While I was waiting for you I decided to look into your medical file and what I found was . . . interesting. There were several discrepancies in your medical file and, in order to uncover what was _clearly_ being hidden I called and spoke with a Dr. Thomas Peterson, your pediatrician and he cleared up some things for me and I think we should talk about them."

By the end of Bones' speech Jim was on his feet, pacing around the office.

"So let me get this straight" Jim began once his thoughts were in order as he continued pacing. "Not only have you taken your captain and best friend hostage on his own ship along with the help of several other unnamed individuals (which, by the way, I'm pretty sure counts as _mutiny_) but you have compounded that betrayal by going through that captain's medical records and speaking with his personal physician? Is that about right _Dr._ McCoy?" Jim demanded in a quiet, somber voice that scared the shit out of McCoy.

"Yes, that's right _Captain_" the doctor replied allowing none of his nervousness to seep into his voice "but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

Kirk looked incredulously at his best friend.

"You mean there's _more_? What did you do this time Bones? Did you contact Starfleet and inform them that you believe I've become mentally unstable and request permission to have me relieved of duty? That would certainly fit this new pattern you seem to have going on with its only purpose being to ruin my life!"

The doctor studied his friend carefully before finally releasing a sigh. Perhaps his method was too direct.

"You've always been a big history buff haven't you Jim?" McCoy asked suddenly.

Kirk, startled, could think of no other reaction to that statement other than to reply to it directly. "Um, yes?"

"I'm sure you know all about the three world wars on Earth and first contact with the Vulcans and I'm sure you've studied in-depth the first space war of 2113 with the Romulans" McCoy continued.

Kirk opened his mouth to reply, to ask what the _hell_ was wrong with the CMO but the doctor continued before he could utter a word.

"But what do you know about other planets' histories? I mean, no one can know about was wrong with the CMO but the doctor continued before he could utter a word.

"But what do you know about other planets' histories? I mean, no one can know about _every_ planets' history can they Jim? But I bet you know some don't you? What was your favorite off-world history topic?" Bones questioned leisurally.

Kirk said nothing for all of two seconds before beginning a new tirade "Just what the hell do you think you're doing? If this is some kind of psycho-babble intended to find some deeper understanding into me I can assure you that you're not going about it the right way and, furthermore . . ."

Again, Kirk found his speech interrupted.

"I always thought the early years of Risa's history were fascinating. All that war and destruction that turned into total peace completely overnight and has remained such for over 500 years. Not at all the way Earth made the change from chaos to peace, but certainly effective wouldn't you agree?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess" Jim replied, finally getting into the swing of the conversation.

"But you? I bet you like history about conflict more than the resolution of it. Let's see . . . there's the Tarconian war of 2078. A whole planet thrown into chaos because their leader had the strange idea that every family should have a 400 mile stretch of land to themselves. On a planet as populated as Tarconia and one so small, this of course meant that more than half of the Tarconians had to die."

Jim had never heard of this particular historical account and opened his mouth to question McCoy on the specifics but was again interrupted before he could begin to speak.

"Of course, Tarconia brings up an event very similar that every Starfleet cadet must study. One where the entire planet, an Earth colony, was taken over by a single leader who had radical ideas for preserving half of the population when a previously unheard of fungus created a disastrous famine on the colony far away from any Federation outpost or other help."

Suddenly Kirk felt ice-cold dread pierce his stomach and had to struggle to keep from giving the doctor any indication that he had any particular feelings towards this particular historical account. Jim thought that throwing up all over the doctor's brand new office probably counted as such an indication.

"The Governor's grand scheme was to murder half of the colonists, the ones he felt least likely to survive; the old, the weak, the ill, the _young_ so that the healthy, 'useful' members of the colony would survive and have enough food to live on until help arrived. The Governor's name was Kodos though history has expanded his name to 'Kodos the Executioner' based on the terrible atrocities committed under his leadership.

Do you know what they say about Tarsus IV Jim? They say that while the 'worthy' colonists lived in relative comfort and wanted for nothing, the children and elderly were starved to their bear bones for _months_. And those are only the ones that survived the initial execution order made by Kodos and the hunting parties afterwards.

They say that only six people made it off that colony alive Jim. _Six people! _ Out of hundreds! Can you imagine the pain they must have gone through? Can you imagine, the hurt, the anger, the . . .?"

"Bones?"

"Yes Jim?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. You should back off now while you're ahead. You clearly have access to information that you never should have been made aware of. There are things that happened on Tarsus that no one who wasn't there knows about and I think it would be better if you didn't judge their feelings without having first-hand experience."

While Jim's words remained relatively normal, his tone was frosty and biting and Bones felt a little guilty that he was putting his best friend through his worst nightmare all over again. Still, it had to be done Bones reflected and if someone had to do this then McCoy was glad it was himself since he knew Jim better than anyone and knew how to interpret his unorthodox ways of handling conflict.

Knowing Jim, McCoy continued on with his story as though there had been no interruption.

"You know, in those kinds of circumstance, where hundreds of people have died, it's not uncommon for survivors to feel _guilty_ because they made it out of the situation alive when so many others will never get to go home, get to see their families again. But it's not their fault is it Jim? That they survived while others died? It just means that they were lucky or, perhaps better survival skills than the rest. Would you blame a child for survival Jim? Would you blame him if he survived against all odds with death surrounding him while once-trusted adults were hunted him on the orders of a madman? What could a child have done to protect those who died Jim? Nothing. There's nothing he could have done to stop it or make it better. That he survived is miracle enough in itself don't you think . . . ?"

"That's not how it happened". Jim said, voice neutral.

"No?" Bones asked as though he was speaking with a child and humoring their erroneous thought processes. "Then what _did_ happen Jim? Why do you blame the child?".

Jim shook with the effort to stay quiet. For so long now he had spent a great deal of energy in keeping this secret close to his chest so that others might not see what he really was. A coward. Now that Bones knew that Jim had been on Tarsus (and of course he _did _know, for all the effort he expended to make Jim more comfortable by speaking of a 'hypothetical' child) he would want details. Jim absolutely did not want to give him that.

Still, now that the topic had been breached after so many years of silence, Jim couldn't help the flood of memories; sights, sounds, smells that rolled over him.

_He was running. Running. He was being chased but he had to get back. He had to get back because . . . _

_Faser fire erupted from nearby trees and Jim ducked down into the brush and still he continued to run._

_Jim wasn't sure who chased him. It could be some of Kodos' minions, could be some of his own family members Kirk thought. His aunt, who had read bedtime stories as a child and his uncle who, more recently, played ball with him in the front yard along with his three older cousins. _

_It could also have been people in the same position as Jim who had somehow come across fasers. They would be after him because he carried food, the most valuable resource on the famine-wracked planet. _

_Jim didn't care who chased him anymore. In the beginning he had tried making peace with everyone he met. _

_Now he knew better. _

_Jim was nearing the caves that he had chosen as a safe house but he couldn't go in there, not yet. First he had to lead his pursuers away because if he didn't . . . _

_Feet bruised and bleeding from hours of running through the woods barefoot, breath coming in short harsh gasps, Jim continued to flee. _

_It was well after dark when Jim felt it was safe to return to his temporary home. _

_Food in hand Jim entered the seemingly abandoned caves and whistled softly a tune he learned as a child playing foolish games of innocence. Those days were long past now. _

_One by one children began to creep from the rocks hesitantly, frightened of a trap. And wasn't it a shame that children had to fear adults? That the only person they could rely on in the entire world was no more an adult than they were?_

_Still, Jim was the oldest of them by almost two years according to age and a lifetime if one went on experience. _

_Jim approached the center of the cave slowly so as not to frighten his charges and he sat the food down carefully on a rock there before moving softly away. _

_Within minutes the cave erupted into a swift but silent eating frenzy of children who barely remember their own names anymore, much less what it was like to live a normal life where food was to take for granted instead of a priceless commodity. _

_As Jim looked on he saw a six year-old lunge and bit an even younger child for grabbing a piece of food she considered hers. The bitten child did not cry. Instead in flew at his attacker snarling like a wild animal. _

_It was always like this when Jim brought them food. At other times, when some of the children felt the compulsion to speak Jim could almost imagine that they were normal children camping in the woods. There was no such imaginings now._

_As the children finished their meal Jim went to the outer rim of the caves to look out. In the distance he saw shadows approaching. _

"Jim!" Bones was yelling and Jim gasped a breath he didn't know he'd been holding as he came to in Bones' office, light-years (as well as years of time) away from Tarsus.

"'S not what happened Bones." Jim said wearily. "I killed those kids Bones. I lead them to their deaths. It _was_ my fault".

Jim spoke the words with a finality that made McCoy wonder just how damaged his friend really was. And how he had survived for so long without talking.

"Tell me the rest of it Jim."

The captain and ship's senior officer faced off in a staring contest, a battle of wills and while Jim has always won these matches previously, Bones is determined to win this one because so much more is at stake here than a couple of bottles of vodka.

A/N: So yeah, I meant to actually get to the end of this sickbay scene tonight but, hey, what kind of an author can pass up a cliffhanger? 


	6. Chapter 6

Back again yay!

Thanks to my beta (that's you Annie )!

Nothing is mine. Not Tarsus, Jim, Bones, Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, the Enterprise, Starfleet. None of it belongs to me.

Chapter Six

**Previously: The captain and ship's senior medical officer faced off in a staring contest, a battle of wills; while Jim had always won such matches previously, Bones was determined to win this one. So much more was at stake here than a couple of bottles of vodka. **

Jim looked away first and Bones knew that in other circumstances he would have considered this a victory of epic proportions. Today the victory was hollow and only served to tire the doctor.

"Look Jim, you're never gonna get passed this if you don't talk about it. If you would prefer it not to be me that's ok, I understand. I _will_ find someone else if it makes you more comfortable but you've gotta open up to someone sometime or else when Starfleet realizes you haven't taken your psych exam and makes you . . . Jim, you'll loose everything if you don't get help."

"But _why?_" Jim protested, voice thick. "I've done everything right haven't I? It's never been a problem before! Can't we just go on like we have? Pretend this never happened? I can bullshit Starfleet psych people Bones, you know I can! We wouldn't have to ever talk about this ever again. Wouldn't that make us both happy?"

McCoy sighed. Things certainly would be easier if he could just drop this. He had no doubt in his mind that Jim could and would outsmart Starfleet doctors if given half a chance and the truth is that Jim was a great captain whether he was broken inside or not. But as a best friend Bones had seen a lot of things that the general public wasn't privy to.

Jim was exceptionally friendly and extroverted but when it came down to the wire he only trusted himself to get the job done correctly and he perceived allowing help from others to be a dangerous weakness. Bones had always known that something wasn't quite right with Jim's past but the doctor had refused to pry. There were, after all, secrets of his own that he hesitated to speak of. But now that he knew he couldn't just leave his friend alone to suffer the consequences of the most devastating massacre known to the Federation in over a century.

Instead of dumping his own emotional baggage onto his best friend McCoy chose a simpler reply.

"You know I can't do that Jim".

Jim let out a small puff of air and leaned back in his chair.

"Ok, Bones. I'll think about it alright? But you can't pressure me into this. Seriously. Leave it alone until I come to you. I don't care what your psychological training tells you, let me just be for awhile ok?"

The doctor hesitated before nodding his head slowly.

"Deal. But you don't have long Jim. Just until we finish up this last semester. I can't even promise you'll have that long because Starfleet will be looking through our records to ensure that we have everything required in order to graduate. They need new recruits now more than ever and they're not going to waste time".

"Understood. I'll get back to you as soon as everything . . ." Jim made a waving motion with his hands, directing them towards his head "is all worked out."

Leonard understood and nodded his consent for Jim to leave.

Jim walked down the corridors of the Enterprise, mind in a fog. He passed crewmen and nodded to them as if he recognized them, as if they were his. But they weren't his. Not really. An extenuating number of coincidences had left Jim in command of these men but it wasn't permanent.

Soon the Enterprise would dock at Earth and Jim would again begin the monotonous daily routine of going to classes and studying. He wondered just how he could possibly go back to that when he'd had _this_. His dream was to be a starship captain and now that he had been one could he really go back to being a student?

But that phase wouldn't last long. What really concerned Jim was that when he graduated the Academy he would be posted to some ship as an ensign and then he'd have to work his way up the chain of command to become captain. That process took at least five years and that was only under very unique circumstances. Usually the process took upwards of ten years to complete. Ten years. Would the Enterprise even still be in commission by then? Where would this crew be? Jim couldn't imagine for settling for less than what he had and there was no better crew in the galaxy than the one he commanded right at this moment.

And now there was the psych exam to consider. Could Jim sufficiently fool Starfleet psych _and_ Bones? That seemed to be his only option because Jim knew that he would never overcome Tarsus IV or the rest of his childhood. The wounds were too deep, had been buried for far too long.

Jim sighed. He couldn't think clearly right now, he needed time to plan. He would become a starship captain even if he had to build the ship himself because no other future was imaginable and no other career was worthy.

When Jim's feet stopped in the middle of the corridor Jim took the chance to look around. He was outside of the quarters that had been assigned to him and he wasn't alone.

"Oh hey, how are you Spo – uh – Commander?" Jim asked in what he hoped was a relatively cheerful manner.

"I am well Captain. I came to enquire as to your wellbeing. I was recently informed that some of the crew had decided to . . . arrest your movements around the ship if you did not report to sickbay. Are you ill Captain?"

Jim felt a smile tugging at his lips at the sight of his _not concerned_ first officer.

"Yeah, I'm fine Spo – _dammit! _– _Mr. _Spock. Aside from the fact that my own crew _mutinied_ me into going to sickbay, yeah everything's just _peachy_." Jim softened the blow of his words with a reluctant smile.

Spock hesitated before replying cautiously.

"I meant no offence Captain. My wish to know the state of your wellbeing was sincere. I apologize if my intrusion has caused any . . . discomfort."

Jim rolled his eyes and grinned again.

"Spock – I mean – _dammit not again! _Look can I just call you Spock and dispense with formalities? I'm not doing so well with remembering them right now."

"Of course Captain, as long as we are not on duty on the bridge you may call me what you wish – within reason of course." Spock added the last bit warily.

"Great! Ok Spock, anyway, human lesson number one. See this smile?" Jim pointed to his face and waited for Spock's nod of confirmation before continuing "It means that I'm not mad at you and that you haven't _intruded_. Everything's cool with us."

"Captain. I do not understand what the temperature has to do with your smile. Furthermore, as Vulcans have a higher body temperature than humans it is illogical to state that things are 'cool' between us."

Jim rolled his eyes again for good measure.

"Okay, fine. We'll do it your way" Jim drew himself formally and continued; "Commander Spock you have done nothing to cause me discomfort at this time." Jim nodded to the other officer and gave another little grin.

"I am pleased to hear this Captain . . ."

Spock paused and Jim waited knowing that his first officer had more to say.

"However, your tone of voice when answering my previous query was _irritable_. I can find no satisfactory answer for this unless I have made you uncomfortable in some way. Perhaps you can provide an adequate answer that has escaped my notice."

"You can't find a _reason_ for me to be irritable! _Spock! _My crew took me hostage and sent me to sickbay like they were my mother! I'm tired and cranky and people are pushing me around! It wasn't you I was irritated with. In fact, you seem to be one of the few crew members that I can trust not to . . ." Kirk trailed off as he came to a sudden realization. Things had changed between him and Spock recently in Jim's avoidance of Bones. Spock had become a valued and trusted companion.

Looking up at his first officer the acting captain felt something niggling at the back of his mind but he needed to think. He was tired, maybe his addled brain had come to an irraneous conclusion.

"If that's all Mr. Spock? I am feeling rather tired and wish to sleep now."

"Of course Captain. Would a recreational game of chess at a later hour be agreeable with you? I have quite enjoyed our games."

"Sounds great Spock, I'll see you later."

Kirk disappeared into his quarters and as the door hissed shut Spock felt the illogical urge to repeat words his mother had often whispered to him before bed.

"Sweet dreams Captain" Spock whispered the ancient phrase before padding quietly down the hall to his own quarters.

A/N: Yeah, this one's way short but I've already started the next one 'cause I have ideas now yay! So what's up with Kirk? Why'd he just stop in the middle of his sentence with a burst of realization? Haha, I don't know. New update soon.


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